Hi.

I’ve been meaning to tell you all this time. I have some issues with myself. I can’t seem to explain my recent behavior lately. It’s like I want to obscure myself from any connection I have with you and just attempt to hide myself for a little while. It’s not because I did something wrong, and far from what you may think that you did something wrong but it’s just because it is what I feel.

I’m just having troubles of what I really want. I want us to stay, to go on but some days, I just want to embrace that distance between us and find my own universe. There are even times when I felt the urge to put you back to where you belong as obviously you are now displaced and most of the time it ends up on my selfish reasons, I’m still quite entertained, I don’t wanna let go.

You’ve been very understanding but I am not perfect like you thought I am. I have a dark side that others don’t even realize exist. I’ve always wanted to come off as that person with a shallow core when in reality, it’s an abyss down there. And I have never let anyone in. Sometimes, I let the tension out through this blog but basically I’ve never dragged anyone into my own hell.

You were right. You never lied but we both know you never told the truth anyway. I’ve learned to accept that though doing it would empty the cup of respect I have for myself. I don’t regret accepting it because I you filled my heart to the brink. I was filled with so much delight that day-by-day I learned to forget. You were so wonderful.

But sometimes, the tension inside me rises. I begin questioning where I am really going with the decisions I have been making. And I’m beginning to lose faith on my own potential because reality check, this is all I can get. This is all I deserve to be.

Sometimes I am not the happy person you think I am. I have dramas. I have insecurities. I deem every sorrow as failures. I rise up to them but sometimes I just do it to escape the sadness. Later on, everything will creep in back. Because that’s who I really am, I take my troubles deeply.

I am on the dark right now. Days will follow I will go back to that happy, sassy self who believes that she can conquer the world by staying home and watching movies. This is who I am. Every morning I wake up, wishing that by the moment I open my eyes, the night has converted me to the most perfect person I wanted to be.

And then I’ll see you and you’ll be so proud of me.

I am this person. I have issues. I have internal conflicts. I have inhibitions. I have insecurities. I come off as strong when deep inside I’m all wrinkled and crumbling. You don’t want to be with me. You don’t deserve someone like me. I’m far from what you need or what you wanted.


But just so you know, you’re everything I have dreamt of.