Everyday I pray that every ounce of feeling that I have will all be forgotten. Locked in the past, never to resurface again.

I must not have slept long enough to live and see that day.

Honestly, I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

Everything has an expiration date. Though it’s hard, there are necessary decisions to make. Even if it means losing that part of your life that you have learned and will continue to love so much.

Hi.

I’ve been meaning to tell you all this time. I have some issues with myself. I can’t seem to explain my recent behavior lately. It’s like I want to obscure myself from any connection I have with you and just attempt to hide myself for a little while. It’s not because I did something wrong, and far from what you may think that you did something wrong but it’s just because it is what I feel.

I’m just having troubles of what I really want. I want us to stay, to go on but some days, I just want to embrace that distance between us and find my own universe. There are even times when I felt the urge to put you back to where you belong as obviously you are now displaced and most of the time it ends up on my selfish reasons, I’m still quite entertained, I don’t wanna let go.

You’ve been very understanding but I am not perfect like you thought I am. I have a dark side that others don’t even realize exist. I’ve always wanted to come off as that person with a shallow core when in reality, it’s an abyss down there. And I have never let anyone in. Sometimes, I let the tension out through this blog but basically I’ve never dragged anyone into my own hell.

You were right. You never lied but we both know you never told the truth anyway. I’ve learned to accept that though doing it would empty the cup of respect I have for myself. I don’t regret accepting it because I you filled my heart to the brink. I was filled with so much delight that day-by-day I learned to forget. You were so wonderful.

But sometimes, the tension inside me rises. I begin questioning where I am really going with the decisions I have been making. And I’m beginning to lose faith on my own potential because reality check, this is all I can get. This is all I deserve to be.

Sometimes I am not the happy person you think I am. I have dramas. I have insecurities. I deem every sorrow as failures. I rise up to them but sometimes I just do it to escape the sadness. Later on, everything will creep in back. Because that’s who I really am, I take my troubles deeply.

I am on the dark right now. Days will follow I will go back to that happy, sassy self who believes that she can conquer the world by staying home and watching movies. This is who I am. Every morning I wake up, wishing that by the moment I open my eyes, the night has converted me to the most perfect person I wanted to be.

And then I’ll see you and you’ll be so proud of me.

I am this person. I have issues. I have internal conflicts. I have inhibitions. I have insecurities. I come off as strong when deep inside I’m all wrinkled and crumbling. You don’t want to be with me. You don’t deserve someone like me. I’m far from what you need or what you wanted.


But just so you know, you’re everything I have dreamt of.

Still delayed.

I read back the now defunct Soriano’s post in some website. You might say I never got over it, and you’re right—I NEVER GOT OVER IT. haha :)

Reading closely, I realized what he’s actually trying to say. I felt so shallow and judgmental after posting my initial reaction to what I have learned and upon critical examination did I realize where I was wrong.

He was not trying to bash the Filipino society. He’s actually bringing up those wrong impressions that most Filipinos have for their own mother country.

When he shared his appreciation for learning the English language, as it was after all, the language for the privileged, and when he called Filipino as the language for the unlearned and the commoner, he meant how Filipinos brought that demise to its own national language. We chose to perceive our national language as the most common means of communication. We chose to still use English in learning and place Filipino only as a secondary topic or lesson for learning as part of our University-approved syllabus. We experimented with our language by means of coining words of no significance nor essence. We chose to believe that if we learn and practice English, this will be our main key to succeed.

Basically, we never believed in the potential of our own language. And although we use it regularly, this only proved it’s not that special.

In one of my musings, I even compared his post to some of Rizal’s sentiments on his novels. Our national hero was almost excommunicated (or was he actually? don’t remember haha) for revealing pretentious Christian practices of our church during his time. Consequently, people of his era were disgusted with his revelations, accused him of blasphemy and slander when he’s actually trying to make people realize the contradictions of reality with pure intentions of our religion. But look at Rizal’s novels now, they are the epitome of patriotism and nationalism and even the symbol of our unity.

I was wrong to prejudge what Soriano has said. My recent realizations may not actually be the same with what he tries to impart but I know that somehow, his writing serves a greater purpose than what I though to be his shallow perspective about the Filipino society.

I guess I was not really learned enough, to see through where he’s actually coming from and to understand his viewpoint. But this serves to me as a lesson as well, that with my mistakes and false judgment, I am able to comprehend and criticize, that I should not hastily jump into one conclusion without keen examination.

I believe that our education comes not from the academe itself but from how we are able to apply it, how our values affect the knowledge that we acquire in the process. Anyway learning does not stop at the last page of a book, it goes on and on in our mind and stays there until our brain shuts down itself.

I could’ve opted to write this post in Filipino, but I didn’t. I’d have to wait for an opportunity for my writing to be officially published because my native tongue deserves that special spot than just being online. :)